I'm fifteen years old and I have been through enough moments in my life that I know I can look back on, and they will teach me more than any human being.
I've learned when to keep my mouth shut, and when to scream out. I've began to understand when to step up and when to step completely away. I have tested my strength as well as the strength of others. I have even jumped in the deep end before I learned how to swim in the shallow end.
I promised myself years ago that I would never let a man treat me and take control of me like my father did to my mother, and even to me. But we all make mistakes and sometimes we just don't learn the first time around. I'm the type of person it takes a lot of tears and mistakes to finally learn what's right.
Last summer, I stood up to the one man that terrifies me. The man that created me and raised me. But at the young age of fourteen I told him that I deserved to be treated better and I deserved respect from him. I gave him two options: You change your ways and become my father, or we lose all contact. I went that whole summer without a single word from my father. I still stand by my choice to tell him to grow up and be a dad. Granted, I still hate my father. He learned a few things and I truly do believe he looks at me in a different light. I'm not this weak little girl, I can stand up for what I want and just because you say jump, doesn't mean I will.
It was one of the darkest summers of my life. I become someone I didn't recognize. I became stronger but I dealt with the pain in the worst way possible. My father told me, once he grew the fuck up and called me, that he thought/worried about me everyday. Well obviously not enough to pick up a phone. I learned that apparently caring for someone isn't enough to help them stop the pain and to admit your own faults. My father treated me, well still treats me, as if I had no emotions. He controlled everything I did and every emotion. When I look back on it, it doesn't matter that my father is still a complete ass. I still did the right thing and there are certain subjects that my dad just completely has stopped talking about. I didn't change my father, but I did prove to him and myself, that there is a certain point where you need to stand up for your own happiness.
So here I am a year later, dealing with a fifteen year old that has the same control over me. In the past few weeks, Lincoln has turned into someone that I never thought he could be. He has told me things that I can't even believe. He has given me complete hope and taken it away in seconds. Lincoln knows that when he says jump, I'll jump five hundred times until it is exactly what he wants. How I felt everyday for the past three and a half months all depended on Lincoln. But here I am still chasing after someone that has no respect for me and treats me as if I have no emotions, just like my father.
Today I realized, I stood up to a man that made me cringe every time he raised his voice. I told the man that made me, to back off. But some retarded teenager, I can't tell off and can't even muster the idea of not talking to him for a week. Well, my ideas have changed. Me not talking to Lincoln for a week or two is exactly what needs to happen. I have deep thoughts and reasons behind what I'm doing.... All Lincoln is going to think is,"Hmm, wonder why Jaime hasn't talked to me for a week?" But he won't have enough balls to pick up a phone. He won't take it the way I want him to, just like my father. Lincoln has even told me that he does have emotions towards me but he is afraid to show them and he does miss me. But apparently, not enough to treat me like a human being that gave him every piece of her.
I know I can do this. I have done it before with someone far more important in my life. I know for a fact there will be many nights of tears and many nightmares which leads to me waking up crying. I know Lincoln will be on my mind constantly and that is will be extremely hard.
It amazes me that I have experienced this before though. There are so many things that went on with my father that are currently going on with Lincoln. I got fed up with the fights with my father cause I knew I couldn't win. I'm fed up with talking to some idiot that thinks he is far better and thinks he can get away with anything. No one deserves to just take every bit of hope and happiness from you. No one! Everyone needs that line that they draw that says,"I am a person and this is my life. You can either add to my happiness or you can just never be apart of my life." It is as simple as that. I drew my line, but I forgot about it and just ended up erasing it.
Right now I need to focus on my health and becoming that strong independent person I once was.
Will I be an idiot in the future? I can almost guarantee it. But I think what people need to realize is that the past will repeat itself until you see the pattern and learn from it. I honestly believe no one every fully finds themselves. I think there will always be people that come into our lives and throw us off balance, but it is up to you to stop it before you go back to your past. It's okay to be an idiot and make the same mistake a few times, but the important part is that you don't let the mistake escalade into something bigger that we don't have control over.
This is me seeing my past mistakes and even the life changing choices I made in the past. This is me standing up for my happiness and what I know I need in my life. I can't promise that I'll be super happy from this point on. I'm still going to have tears and doubts but I know that I've over come this type of situation before. I have let someone important go in my life before, for the sake of my own heart. I know I can do it again and succeed. I know this isn't the end of the world and that in the end, this choice will cause me to be ten times happier. Whether that means Lincoln is in my life or not, the rest is for fate to decide.
-Jaime-
